Este es RAPULENTO! el nuevo estilo no es pa los longis ni los embaraos!!!!….CLÁSICO de las radio GETTO criollas vieja escuela
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…presents… The Coward’s Guide to Self-Defense
__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\__
\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
First of all, if you think that this is another one of those macho
self-defense karate martial art articles which will teach you how to kick butt
like Bruce Lee in only 10 minutes (or however long it takes you to read this),
then you have another thing coming.
Let me explain right off the bat that I have no intention of teaching you
how to defend yourself in the event that you are actually in the situation of
e)all of the above
f)none of the above
What I WILL do, however, is try to teach you how to avoid situations where
something potentially dangerous and most likely extraordinarily embarrassing
will occur. (Note that I am not responsible for anything else embarrassing
that will probably occur if you take any of my advice. In fact, the only good
piece of advice you’ll get from me is this - don’t read this article. If
you’re one of those people who skip parenthetical musings such as this, then
you will undoubtedly try something quite foolish one of these days, and I’ll be
there to laugh at you. Sucker.)
I’m sure you’re wondering just what kind of self-defense I could be
teaching, considering my extreme lack of knowledge of anything useful in the
field of martial arts. I was thinking this myself one day while I was walking
down the street, and then it hit me. In the face. A fist. Attached to a very
large arm, which was attached to a very large man named “Death.” (At least
that’s what he had tattooed across his neck.) It seems that I had
inadvertently walked too close to his girlfriend, and now I would have to
compensate him for this transgression by leaving a few of my teeth for his
collection. This brings us to the first rule of self-defense:
Never walk down a street if someone is already there. Properly followed,
this rule of thumb could eliminate having to follow any of the other rules.
The problem with walking down a street with people on it is that there is
always the chance that one of them might want to hurt you, and if you are still
reading this, then you are obviously the type of person who is very hurtable.
Now, obviously it isn’t possible to avoid ALL people, unless you follow
the Rule of the Last Resort:
Never, ever, no matter what happens, ever leave your room. This is the
ultimate in self-defense for cowards. The chance of offending someone enough
to want to damage you is very slim if you become a recluse for the rest of your
life. This is not a mere assumption! According to the most recent police
statistics, there was a lower rate of violent crimes against hermits than any
other type of person in the social strata.
For most of us, unfortunately, that option isn’t extremely viable. This
brings us back to my regrettable encounter with Mr. “Death” and his large fist.
This next rule is very important, and should be taken extremely seriously. If
you follow this rule closely, you will emerge from most minor altercations
Learn to beg. Most would-be assailants, seeing you on the ground on your
hands and knees, pleading for your miserably life, groveling and licking the
ground in shame, will either start laughing hysterically (thus giving you the
opportunity to abscond from the premises), or they will be so ashamed for you
that they’ll just spit on your pathetic head and leave you in the dirt.
Whatever works. (Note: This method was quite effective in dealing with my
fisty friend, and I was able to escape with most of my teeth intact!)
Let’s say that you’re too proud to beg, and you find yourself in a
situation where your life and limb are pretty much assured of being at stake.
You can either swallow your pride and follow the above rule and live (or you
can swallow your teeth when they get knocked out), or you can apply the next
rule to your predicament:
Learn to run. Fast. You might want to invest 70 or 80 dollars in a good
pair of running shoes for this one. They can’t hit what they can’t catch,
right? So make like a banana and get the hell out of there. An added benefit
of this rule is the wonderful exercise you receive.
Suppose you are in your home, and someone has broken in. You have an
inner conflict. On the one hand, you feel the need to protect your property,
and stand and fight the enemy. On the other hand, your closet looks pretty
comfortable right about now. My personal motto in situations such as this is
(to paraphrase the old classic):
Those who whimper and run away,
Live to whimper another day.
Hey, you can always get grandma to give you another priceless heirloom,
but you only have one nose, and it would hurt something fierce to have it
broken in any way, shape or form.
Another possible circumstance you might encounter is a car accident.
While reading the paper or clipping your toenails or whatever, you accidentally
demolish some guy’s new Porsche. Of course, he will be understandably
unamused, and will most likely attempt some form of physical violence upon your
person. To avoid this, you should wait until he is out of his vehicle and
coming towards you. If he is visibly angered, and particularly if he is
holding some sort of blunt object in his hands and making threatening gestures
with it, this would be an ideal time to put the pedal to the metal and, as they
say, get the hell out of there. You should have no problem with this if you
have followed the next rule:
Buy a really, really fast car. By now you may have realized that there is
some small expenditure of funds required if you are to successfully follow all
of these rules, but if you are in doubt, just think - which is worth more,
my money or my peace of mind? And if you think that your peace of mind isn’t
worth that much, think about how it would look if a piece of your mind ended up
on the floor because some agitated individual took a bat to you.
The one great thing about my self-defense guide is it’s adaptability.
These rules are not set in stone. They are conformable to any location on
Earth. For example, in the above illustration of the car accident, the
adjoining rule is to “buy a really, really fast car.” If you are reading this
in, say, Saudi Arabia, you can modify that to “buy a really, really fast
Another thing that is great about them is that they put you in a mindset
which, I think, will really help you to be prepared for everyday life. If you
start thinking that every single person you see has been paid to assassinate
you, it puts life in a whole new perspective. A simple walk to 7-11 is much
more exciting than it used to be. If you are permanently on guard, then you
won’t be surprised when someone inevitably attempts to assail you, and
preparedness is half the battle. The other half is getting the crap beaten out
I would like to leave you with this parting thought, and it’s the most
Whatever happens, I am in no way ethically, morally, or legally
responsible for any harm whatsoever that you may come by, nor am I liable to
you or, more likely, your heirs.
Thanks, and goodbye.
.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ / \ / `-(’ ‘)-’ \ / \ / \
WORLDWIDE \ / `-’ (U) `-’ \ / WORLDWIDE
`-’ .ooM `-’ _
Oooo / ) __
/)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 cDc communications. / ( / \
\__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/
(_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _
oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte’. __ ( \
/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
\_) ”THE COW WALKS AMONGST US” Oooo
! The United Anarchists of America !
! proudly presents… !
! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> !
! <> <> !
! <> THE ANARCHIST’S GUIDE TO CIVILIAN WARFARE <> !
! <> AND SABOTAGE <> !
! <> <> !
! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> !
! FEBRUARY 1987 ISSUE !
! Written in Association with: !
! The Tracker !
! With Special Thanks to: !
! Bad Dog !
! VOLUME 1 / NUMBER 1 !
! ”Miscellaneous Anarchy” !
! This is a “monthly” publication….if you would like to have !
! back issues, or would like assistance, please get in contact !
! with me at the number given above, or try to get in touch !
! with The Tracker, wherever he may be. The authors of this !
! material will not take responsibility for its abuse/misuse !
! in any way. Use at your own risk….if you hurt yourself, we !
! CANNOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. !
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 1
You would be surprised how many files are out that use what falls under the
category of a “fuse”. They assume you just have a few lying around, or know
where to get them. Well, in some parts of the country,fuses are extremely hard
to come by…so this part of our first file is dedicated to fuses. Both are
very simple to make, and are fairly reliable:
Slow Burning Fuse (2 in. per minute approx.)
—-> cotton string or 3 shoelaces
—-> potassium nitrate or potassium chlorate
—-> granulated sugar
1. wash the cotton string or shoelaces in HOT soapy water, then rinse
with fresh water.
2. mix the following together in a glass bowl:
1 part potassium nitrate or potassium chlorate
1 part granulated sugar
2 parts hot water
3. Soak strings or shoelaces in this solution.
4. Twist/braid 3 strands together and allow them to dry.
5. Check burn rate to see how long it actually takes.
note: the few inches of this fuse to be inserted into the explosive device
must be coated with a black-powder paste to ensure its reliability.
Fast Burning Fuse (40 in. per minute)
—-> soft cotton string
—-> fine black powder
—-> shallow dish or pan
1. moisten powder to form a paste
2. twist/braid 3 strands of cotton together
3. rub paste into string and allow to dry
4. check burn rate
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 2
+ How to make POTASSIUM NITRATE for +
+ use in the above. +
+ Materials needed: +
+ —-> 3.5 gallons of nitrate bearing earth or other material +
+ —-> 1/2 cup of wood ashes +
+ —-> bucket or other similar container about 4 - 5 gallons +
+ in volume +
+ —-> 2 pieces of finely woven cloth, each a bit bigger than +
+ the bottom of the bucket +
+ —-> shallow dish or pan at least as large in diameter as +
+ the bucket +
+ —-> shallow, heat-resistant container +
+ —-> 2 gallons of water +
+ —-> something to punch holes in the bottom of the bucket +
+ —-> 1 gallon of any type of alcohol +
+ —-> heat source +
+ —-> paper & tape +
+ Procedure: +
+ 1. punch holes on the inside bottom of the bucket, so that +
+ the metal is “puckerd” outward from the bottom +
+ 2. spread cloth over holes in bottom +
+ 3. place wood ash on cloth; spread it out so that it covers +
+ the entire cloth and has about the same thickness +
+ 4. place 2nd cloth on top of the wood ashes +
+ 5. place the dirt or other material in the bucket +
+ 6. place bucket over shallow container (note: it may need +
+ supports on the bottom so the drain holes are not blocked) +
+ 7. boil water and pour it over the earth very slowly. Do NOT +
+ pour it all at once, as this will clog the filter on the +
+ bottom +
+ 8. allow water to run through holes into the shallow dish on +
+ the bottom +
+ 9. be sure water goes through ALL of the earth +
+ 10. allow water in dish to cool for an hour or so +
+ 11. carefully drain the liquid in the dish away, and discard +
+ the sludge in the bottom +
+ 12. boil this liquid over a fire for at least 2 hours. Small +
+ grains of salt will form - scoop these out with the paper +
+ as they form +
+ 13. when the liquid has boiled down to 1/2 its origional volume+
+ let it sit +
+ 14. after 1/2 hour add equal volume of the alcohol; when this +
+ mixture is poured through paper, small white crystals +
+ appear. This is the potassium nitrate. +
+++++++++++++++++++++++++ PURIFICATION +++++++++++++++++++++++
+ - redisolve crystals in small ammount of boiling water +
+ - remove any crystals that appear +
+ - pour through improvised filter then heat concentrated +
+ solution to dryness. +
+ - spread out crystals and allow to dry +
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 3
ELECTRIC BULB INGNITER NAPALM-BULB
——————————— ! —————-
Materials: ! Materials:
—-> electric bulb ! —-> electric bulb (100w)
—-> socket ! —-> 1/4 cup soap chips
—-> black powder ! —-> 1/4 cup kerosene or gasoline
—-> adhesive tape ! —-> lighter or small blow torch
! —-> glue
1. drill a small hole in the top ! ****** note: make this in an ******
of the bulb near the threads ! ****** open area. Nasty FUMES******
2. carefully pour the black powder! ****** are given off. ******
into the hole…enough so that !
it begins to touch the filament! Procedure:
3. insert into socket as normal…! 1. heat kerosene/gasoline in a
4. get the hell out ! double boiler; melt soap chips
! ..stirring slowly. Put somewhere
When they turn this sucker on, glass! and allow to cool.
fragments fly like the devil…useful ! 2. heat the threads of the bulb
as an over-head fragmentation grenade.! VERY carefully to melt the glue.
______________________________________! Remove threads, slowly drawing
! out the filament..DONT BREAK THE
CHEAP ELECTRICAL IGNITERS ! FILAMENT OR THIS WONT WORK.
========================= ! 3. pour the liquid into the bulb,
! and slowly lower the filament
Materials: ! back down into the bulb; make
—-> pack of 100 silicon diodes! sure the filament in dipped into
(available at radio shack;! the fluid.
you know you got the right! 4. re-glue the threads back on;
ones if they are very,very! insert into a socket frequently
small glass objects.) ! used by the intended victim…
—-> pack of matches !
—-> 1 candle ! When the victim flips the switch,
! they’re in for a BIG SURPRISE!
1. light the candle and allow a large pool of molten wax to form in the
2. take a single match and hold the glass part of a single diode against
the head….bend the wires around the head so that one wraps in an
upward direction and then sticks out to the side…do the same with
the other wire, but in a down ward direction. The diode should now be
hugging the match head, but its wires MUST NOT TOUCH EACH OTHER!!!!
3. dip the match head in wax to give it a water-proof coat (these work
4. repeat steps 1 - 3 to make as many as you want
How to use:
When these little dudes are hooked across a 6vDC battery, the diode reaches
what is called break-down voltage. When most electrical components reach this
voltage, they usually produce great ammounts of heat and light, while quickly
melting into a little blob. This heat is enough to ingite a match head. These
are recomended for use under water, where most other ingniters refuse to
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 4
HOME-BREW BLAST CANON
—-> 1 plastic drain pipe, 3 feet long, at least 3 1/2 inches in diameter
—-> 1 smaller plastic pipe, about 6 inches long, 2 inches in diameter
—-> 1 large lighter, w/ fluid refills (this gobbles it up)
—-> 1 pipe cap to fit the large pipe, 1 pipe cap to fit the smaller pipe
—-> 5 feet of bell wire
—-> 1 SPST rocker switch
—-> 1 6v polaroid potapulse battery
—-> 1 5v relay (get this at radio shack)
—-> electrical tape
—-> one free afternoon
1. cut the bell wire into 3 equal pieces, and strip the ends
2. cut a hole in the side of the large pipe, the same diameter as the
small pipe; thread the hole and one end of the small pipe. They should
screw together easily.
3. take a piece of scrap metal, and bend it into an “L” shape, then
attach it to the lever on the lighter like so:
/—————- gas switch is here
! lighter ! ! <—- metal lever
! ! !
Now, every time you pull the “trigger”, gas should flow freely from
the lighter; you may need to enlarge the “gas port” on the lighter,
if you wish to be able to fire more rapidly.
4. connect 2 wires to the two posts on the switch
5. cut to holes in the side of the smaller tube, one for the switch on
the bottom, and one for the metal piece on top; then mount the switch
in the bottom, running the wires up and out the top; mount the
lighter/trigger in the top; now the switch should rock easily, and
the trigger should cause the lighter to pour out gas. Re-screw the
smaller tube into the larger one, hold own the trigger a bit, let it
go, and throw a match in there; if all goes well, you should get a
nice big “THUD!”
6. get hold of the relay, and take off the top:
2 ————/ <—— the center object is the metal
^ finger inside the relay
OO ———— 4
LL ———— 5
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 5
Connect (1) to one of the wires comming from the switch; connect
(2) to (4), and connect (5) to one side of the battery; connect the
remaining wire from the switch to the other side of the battery;
now you should be able to get the relay to make a little “buzzing”
sound when you flip the switch and you should see some tiny little
7. now, carefully mount the relay on the inside of the large pipe,
towards the back; screw on the smaller pipe; tape the battery to
the side of the canon barrel (yes, but looks arent everything)
8. you should now be able to let a little gas into the barrel and
set it off by flipping the switch.
9. put the cap on the back end of the large pipe VERY SECURELY. You
are now ready for the first trial-run.
Put something very very large into the barrel, just so that in fits
“just right”. Now, find a strong guy (the recoil will probably knock you
over if you arent careful). Put on a shoulder pad, and earmuffs, and
possibly some other protective clothing. Hold the trigger down for 30
seconds, hold on tight, and hit the switch. With luck and the proper
adjustments, you should be able to put a frozen orange through 1/4 plywood
at 25 feet. Have phun!
+ Household Equivalents +
This is my updated list:
chemical name equivalent
aluminum potassium sulfate…………..alum
ammonium oleate…………………….ammonia soap
amyl acetate……………………….bannana oil
barium sulfide……………………..black ash
carbon tetrachloride………………..cleaning fluid
calcium hypochloride………………..bleaching powder
calcium sulfate…………………….plaster of paris
cetyltrimethylammonium bromide……….ammonium salt
ethyline dichloride…………………dutch fluid
ferric oxide……………………….iron rust
Guide to Civilian Warfare and Sabotage page: 6
hydrochloric acid…………………..muriatic acid
lead acetate……………………….sugar of lead
lead tero-oxide…………………….red lead
magnesium sulfate…………………..epsom salts
methyl salicylate…………………..wintergreen oil
potassium bicarbonate……………….cream of tarter
potassium chromium sulfate…………..chrome alum
potassium nitrate…………………..salt peter
sodium bicarbonate………………….baking soda
sodium carbonate……………………washing soda
sodium silicate…………………….a water glass
sodium sulfate……………………..glaubers’ salt
sodium thiosulfate………………….photographers hypo
sulfuric acid………………………battery acid
zinc chloride………………………tinners fluid
zinc sulfate……………………….white vitriol
Call These Boards….
Dark City Of Fear 215/261-0893
Ripco BBS 312/528-5020
Butchering the Human Carcass for Human Consumption
This is a step-by-step guide on how to break down the human body from the full figure into serviceable choice cuts of meat. As in any field, there are a number of methods to the practice, and you may wish to view this as a set of suggestions rather than concrete rules. You will notice that the carving of the larger or “commercial” cuts down into smaller specific or “retail” cuts will be only mentioned in passing, and not concentrated upon. Also, the use of human fat and viscera is generally avoided, and left only to the most experimental chef. These choices, along with recipes and serving suggestions, are nearly infinite in variety, and we leave them to you. We’ve found these guidelines to be simple and functional, but recognize that there is always room for improvement and we welcome your suggestions.
Before getting to the main task, it must be mentioned that the complete rendering of the human carcass requires a fairly large amount of time, effort, and space. If the consumer does not wish to go through the ordeal of processing and storing the bulk of the entire animal, an easy alternative is as follows. Simply saw through one or both legs at the points directly below the groin and a few inches above the knee. Once skinned, these portions may then be cut into round steaks of the carver’s preferred thickness, cut into fillets, deboned for a roast, etc. Meat for several meals is thus readily obtained without the need for gutting and the complexities of preparing the entire form.
The human being (also referred to throughout culinary history as “long pig” and “hairless goat” in the case of younger specimens) is not generally thought of as a staple food source. Observing the anatomy and skeleton, one can see that the animal is neither built nor bred for its meat, and as such will not provide nearly as much flesh as a pig or cow (for example, an average 1000 pound steer breaks down to provide 432 pounds of saleable beef). The large central pelvis and broad shoulder blades also interfere with achieving perfect cuts. There are advantages to this however, especially due to the fact that the typical specimen will weigh between 100-200 pounds, easily manipulated by one person with sufficient leverage.
Here the caution in choosing your meal must be mentioned. It is VERY IMPORTANT to remember that animals raised for slaughter are kept in tightly controlled environments with their health and diet carefully maintained. Humans are not. Thus not only is the meat of each person of varying quality, but people are also subject to an enormous range of diseases, infections, chemical imbalances, and poisonous bad habits, all typically increasing with age. Also as an animal ages, the meat loses its tenderness, becoming tough and stringy. No farm animal is ever allowed to age for thirty years. Six to thirteen months old is a more common slaughtering point. You will obviously want a youthful but mature physically fit human in apparently good health. A certain amount of fat is desirable as “marbling” to add a juicy, flavorful quality to the meat. We personally prefer firm caucasian females in their early twenties. These are “ripe”. But tastes vary, and it is a very large herd.
The butcher will need a fairly roomy space in which to work (an interior location is suggested), and a large table for a butcher’s block. A central overhead support will need to be chosen or installed ahead of time to hang the carcass from. Large tubs or barrels for blood and waste trimmings should be convenient, and a water source close by. Most of the work can be done with a few simple tools: sharp, clean short and long bladed knives, a cleaver or hatchet, and a hacksaw.
Body Preparation: Acquiring your subject is up to you. For best results and health, freshness is imperative. A living human in captivity is optimal, but not always available. When possible make sure the animal has no food for 48 hours, but plenty of water. This fasting helps flush the system, purging stored toxins and bodily wastes, as well as making bleeding and cleaning easier. Under ideal conditions, the specimen will then be stunned into insensitivity. Sharp unexpected blows to the head are best, tranquilizers not being recommended as they may taint the flavor of the meat. If this is not possible without exciting the animal and causing a struggle (which will pump a greater volume of blood and secretions such as adrenaline throughout the body), a single bullet through the middle of the forehead or back of the skull will suffice.
Hanging: Once the animal is unconscious or dead, it is ready to be hoisted. Get the feet up first, then the hands, with the head down. This is called the “Gein configuration”. Simple loops of rope may be tied around the hands and feet and then attached to a crossbar or overhead beam. Or, by making a cut behind the Achilles tendon, a meathook may be inserted into each ankle for hanging support. The legs should be spread so that the feet are outside the shoulders, with the arms roughly parallel to the legs. This provides access to the pelvis, and keeps the arms out of the way in a ready position for removal. It’s easiest to work if the feet are slightly above the level of the butcher’s head.
Bleeding: Place a large open vessel beneath the animal’s head. With a long-bladed knife, start at one corner of the jaw and make a deep “ear-to-ear” cut through the neck and larynx to the opposite side. This will sever the internal and external carotid arteries, the major blood vessels carrying blood from the heart to the head, face, and brain. If the animal is not yet dead, this will kill it quickly, and allow for the blood to drain in any case. After the initial rush of blood, the stream should be controllable and can be directed into a receptacle. Drainage can be assisted by massaging the extremities down in the direction of the trunk, and by compressing and releasing, “pumping”, the stomach. A mature specimen will contain almost six liters of blood. There is no use for this fluid, unless some source is waiting to use it immediately for ritual purposes. It acts as an emetic in most people if drunk, and it must be mentioned here that because of the eternal possibility of AIDS it is recommended that for safety’s sake all blood should be considered to be contaminated and disposed of in some fashion. It is not known whether an HlV-infected human’s flesh is dangerous even if cooked, but this is another item to consider when choosing a specimen, someone in the low-risk strata.
Beheading: When the bleeding slows, preparation for decapitation can be started. Continue the cut to the throat around the entire neck, from the jawline to the back of the skull. Once muscle and ligament have been sliced away, the head can be cleanly removed by gripping it on either side and twisting it off, separation occurring where the spinal cord meets the skull. This is indicative of the method to be used for dividing other bones or joints, in that the meat should generally be cut through first with a knife, and the exposed bone then separated with a saw or cleaver. The merits of keeping the skull as a trophy are debatable for two principal reasons. First, a human skull may call suspicious attention to the new owner. Secondly, thorough cleaning is difficult due to the large brain mass, which is hard to remove without opening the skull. The brain is not good to eat. Removing the tongue and eyes, skinning the head, and placing it outside in a wire cage may be effective. The cage allows small scavengers such as ants and maggots to cleanse the flesh from the bones, while preventing it being carried off by larger scavengers, such as dogs and children. After a sufficient period of time, you may retrieve the skull and boil it in a dilute bleach solution to sterilize it and wash away any remaining tissue.
Skinning: After removing the head, wash the rest of the body down. Because there is no major market for human hides, particular care in removing the skin in a single piece is not necessary, and makes the task much easier. The skin is in fact a large organ, and by flaying the carcass you not only expose the muscular configuration, but also get rid of the hair and the tiny distasteful glands which produce sweat and oil. A short-bladed knife should be used to avoid slicing into muscle and viscera. The skin is composed of two layers, an outer thinner one with a thicker tissue layer below it. When skinning, first score the surface, cutting lightly to be sure of depth and direction. The diagram of the skinning pattern is an example of strip-style skinning, dividing the surface into portions easy to handle. Reflect the skin by lifting up and peeling back with one hand, while bringing the knife in as flat to the skin as possible to cut away connective tissue. The external genitals present only a small obstacle. In the male the penis and scrotum can be pulled away from the body and severed, in the female the outer lips skinned as the rest of the body. It is important to leave the anus untouched at this point, and a circle of skin should be left around it. You need not bother skinning the hands and feet, these portions not being worth the effort unless you plan to pickle them or use them in soup. The skin can be disposed of, or made into fried rinds. Boil the strips and peel away the outer layer, then cut into smaller pieces and deep-fat fry in boiling oil until puffy and crisp. Dust with garlic salt, paprika and cayenne pepper.
Gutting: The next major step is complete evisceration of the carcass. To begin, make a cut from the solar plexus, the point between the breastbone and stomach, almost to the anus. Be very careful not to cut into the intestines, as this will contaminate the surrounding area with bacteria and possibly feces (if this does happen, cleanse thoroughly). A good way to avoid this is to use the knife inside the abdominal wall, blade facing toward you, and making cautious progress.
Make a cut around the anus, or “bung”, and tie it off with twine. This also prevents contamination, keeping the body from voiding any material left in the bowel. With a saw, cut through the pubic bone, or “aitch”. The lower body is now completely open, and you can begin to pull the organ masses (large and small intestines, kidneys, liver, stomach) out and cut them away from the back wall of the body.
For the upper torso, first cut through the diaphragm around the inner surface of the carcass. This is the muscular membrane which divides the upper, or thoracic, and the lower abdominal cavities. Remove the breastbone, cutting down to the point on each side where it connects to the ribs, and then sawing through and detaching it from the collar bone. Some prefer to cut straight through the middle, depending on the ideas you have for cuts in the final stages. The heart and lungs may be detached and the throat cut into to remove the larynx and trachea. Once all of the inner organs have been removed, trim away any blood vessels or remaining pieces of connective tissue from the interior of the carcass, and wash out thoroughly.
Remove the Arms: Actual butchering of the carcass is now ready to begin. Cut into the armpit straight to the shoulder, and remove the arm bone, the humerus, from the collar bone and shoulder blade. Chop the hand off an inch or so above the wrist. Most of the meat here is between elbow and shoulder, as the muscle groups are larger here and due to the fact that there are two bones in the forearm. Another way of cutting this portion is to cut away the deltoid muscle from the upper arm near the shoulder (but leaving it attached to the trunk) before removing the limb. This decreases the percentage of useable meat on the arm, but allows a larger shoulder strip when excising the shoulder blade. Purely a matter of personal preference. Cut into and break apart the joint of the elbow, and the two halves of each arm are now ready for carving servings from. Human flesh should always be properly cooked before eating.
Halving the Carcass: The main body is now ready to be split. Some like to saw straight through the spine from buttocks to neck. This leaves the muscle fiber encasing the vertebrae on the end of the ribs. The meat here however is tightly wrapped about the bone, and we find it more suitable (if used at all) when boiled for soup. Thus, our preferred method is to completely remove the entire backbone by cutting and then sawing down either side from the tailbone on through.
Quartering the Carcass: The halves may now be taken down, unless your preparation table or butcher block is very short. This is inadequate, and you will have to quarter while hanging, slicing through the side at a point of your choosing between rib cage and pelvis. Now is also the time to begin thinking about how you would like to serve the flesh, as this will determine the style of cuts you are about to make. These will also be greatly affected by the muscular configuration (physical fitness) of your specimen. First, chop the feet off at a point about three inches up from the ankle. The bones are very thick where the leg connects to the foot. You will want to divide the side of meat into two further principal portions: the ribs and shoulder, and the half-pelvis and leg. In between is the “flank” or belly, which may be used for fillets or steaks, if thick enough, or even bacon strips if you wish to cut this thinly. Thin and wide strips of flesh may also be rolled, and cooked to serve as a roast. Trim away along the edge of the ribs, and then decide whether you will cut steaks from the flank into the thighs and rump, and carve accordingly.
Cutting the Top Quarter: Although not actually 25% of the meat you will get, this is designated as one-fourth of the carcass as divided into major portions. You may trim away the neck, or leave it to be connected with the shoulder, or “chuck”. The first major step with this mass is to remove the shoulder blade and the collar bone. The best and easiest way we have found is to just cut along the outline of the shoulder blade, removing the meat on top and then dislocating the large bone. To excise the collar bone make an incision along its length and then cut and pry it away. Depending upon the development of the breast, you may decide it qualifies as a “brisket” and remove it before cutting the ribs. In the female the breast is composed largely of glands and fatty tissue, and despite its appetizing appearance is rather inedible. The ribs are the choice cut of the quarter. An perennial favorite for barbecuing, you may divide into sections of several ribs each and cook them as is, divide the strip in half for shorter ribs, or even carve rib steaks if the muscle mass is sufficient.
Cutting the Lower Quarter: This is where most of the meat is, humans being upright animals. The muscle mass is largest in the legs and rump. The bulk is so comparatively large here that you can do just about anything with it. The main pieces are the buttock or rump and the upper leg, the thigh. Our typical division is to cut the leg off at the bottom of the buttock, then chop away the bony mass of the knee, at places two to three inches away in either direction. Before doing this, however, you may want to remove the whole calf muscle from the back of the lower leg, as this is the best cut in its area. The upper leg is now ready for anything, most especially some beautiful, thick round steaks. The rump will have to be carved from the pelvis in a rather triangular piece. The legs attach at the hip at a forward point on the body, so there will be little interference as you carve along the curve of the pelvis. Remaining meat will be on the thighs in front of the pelvis.
And that’s basically it. An average freezer provides plenty of storage space, or you may even wish to build a simple old-fashioned smokehouse (just like an outhouse, with a stone firepit instead of a shitter). Offal and other waste trimmings can be disposed of in a number of ways, burial, animal feed, and puree and flush being just a few. Bones will dry and become brittle after being baked an oven, and can be pulverized.
Bob Arson’s White Devil Dinky-Dao Mothafucka Bobbacoo Sauce
Marinade/Baste/Dip/Bloody Leroy Mix
1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 cup black coffee
3/4 cup beer (Killian’s Red preferred)
3/4 cup fruit juice (citrus: orange/pineapple/mango type)
2 tblsp. whiskey
1 tblsp. lemon juice
1 tblsp. worcestershire sauce
1 tblsp. vinegar (red wine garlic preferred)
3 cloves garlic. minced
3 jalepeno peppers, minced
1/4 large onion, minced 1/8 red, 1/8 white preferred)
2 1/2 tsp. liquid smoke
2 tblsp. brown sugar
1 tblsp. molasses
1 1/2 tblsp. crushed red pepper
1 cube beef bouillon
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1 1/2 tsp. paprika
1 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
3 dashes basil
3 dashes oregano